Being me

I am no stranger to the concept of rejection. As my attachment towards somebody get stronger, the more I realize that how painful it will to be denied of my existence. I thought I was exaggerating, but those kind of problem were born from constant failure and rejection by closest friend, family or lovers. I told myself that those who cared for me will always accept ne for whatever I am. 

In case of friends and lovers, they left cause I was not the kind of friend they wanted to keep nearby. My sense of confidence were dragged down, causing several anxiety and insecurities to rise. 

I found several people who accepted me, in the end, but they didn't really get my way of thoughts. I tried to adapt, pleasing them so that I'll gain their acknowledgement. Pretty naive of me, to believe those were the way. Those who wanted to be with us, will stay, no matter how hard it will be. I used to believe that, but again, desperation and disappointment was there, telling me "well, we told you so".

I don't know if anything's ever worth all the effort and risk. Even if I said I don't care, I do cared about those issues. Just the same when I said that I was fine, or that I won't sad about something. I will be sad, disappointed and devastated by simple rejection. But I always knew that nobody really cared about my feelings or thoughts,  especially how I felt about them. Once, I said to someone that I loved her. She said, "I am not worth all the effort. You're too good. Don't waste your time to please me. Honestly, you're someone important to me, like the sun". Years later, it turned out to be bogus. 

 Lies! All of them.

 Even I lied to gain other's favor. I thought that I've grown after all these years, but no. I was stuck in the same condition, over and over again. 

I believed that someone will prove me wrong. I hoped that one day, my pessimistic approach will be proven wrong. Then again, I was disappointed. I was wrong. I don't want to be right when the outcome's against my will, or,  when the bad outcome's predictable yet I insisted not to prevent the things to happen. I guess I was just selfish, but then again,  there are things beyond my control. Who am I to resist the course of event? I promised that I won't fall in love just yet, but I fell anyway. I didn't want to get hurt over the same thing, yet I did it.

I don't know what's there to see. 

I don't know what lies within

I do know that I will always be exhausted by rejection and disappointed by reality

So, I'll try to approach life differently
Hoping that someday, the answer will come to me
Maybe

(28-12-2018)

A great resolve after a few breakdown