The secret beyond those dreams

What I learned recently from some dream-deciphering books was the fact that someone or something appeared during those scenes, are stimuli we felt when we were interacting with those people on the "real world". For instance, the moment we dreamed about our parents, we can simply relate them with the sense of our inner circle, our primary social interaction; the fundamental of our moral value. They represent the role as the keeper and the caretaker, thus providing stability, comfort and safety. They could be the source of our inner sense of guilt and innocence, for they were the one who will give reward and punishment, regarding how good or bad our performance was. 

The reason this aspect is worth to discuss in this post, are the fact that at some point, certain someone would appear in my dream to provide some insight or respond within the dream I'd been having. For instance, I would dream about having a class with my friends from my elementary school with some additional member from my junior or senior high. I was younger, and always be the observer and the one who were alienated. I was able to relate this reasoning cause my unpleasant childhood "trauma" shaped my basic personality: one who will always be the outsider, an outcast. At some scene, I dreamed about my high school moment in a situation when I was the one who will be the center of the troubles we had. I'd woke up all sweaty and exhausted. There's this time when I woke up then yelled at something left unspoken from my childhood. During those moments, I thought of something else, but I said nothing I should've said. At first, I didn't worry about those dreams. But recently, they happened at a frequent rate.

My parents was never around when I was younger, cause they were busy. I didn't really feel like to share my problems with my siblings or aunt. I always thought that I was alone. I had none to share my fear and worry. This, however, will bring problematic issues As I entered my early adulthood. I am not that good with expressing emotion. At some point, I don't really know what to feel, and how to express them . I needed a lot of time to realize that I am jealous, dissapointed, or just sad. I consulted my teacher, and she said that I need to be plain and express my thoughts more. I got out of her room, cause I thought that was a waste of time. I was wrong.

Mistakes was always be there, no matter how careful we're trying to supress those negative outcome, they'll be there. I was not that brave or courageous. There were words unspoken, procrastination, and regret, over and over. The blame, the sense of guilt and mistakes were so much to handle. They gave birth to my most hateful, and most resourceful trait : thinking steps ahead. I hesitated too much. I even think about the worst possible course of event first,  cause I was always be the one who was wrong. Then I thought, "I had to put the worst possible outcome so that I wont be dissappointed. I knew what'd happen, and I expect nothing good of it. I was quite happy for a while. 

Then again, dealing with people isn't really my game. I don't really like these kind of people:

1. Judging before listening

2. Loud and exaggerating something

3. Stupid, mentally and socially

4. Bully

5. Manipulative people

6. Forcing their point through abuse

Simply put, most of the people in society are like that. That is why, being me is hard. I tried so hard not to say a lot of things cause I don't want them to dislike me, or so I thought. I was afraid that I'll ended up having no friends. Then again, patience is the key. I met some great guy over time. I will be proud to call them my best friend. My only fear was that I wont receive the same acknowledgement or affirmation. When I felt like it, I'd sometime stay away from people, wondering if they'll miss me, or at least try to find me out. 

I dreamed about a lot of people, but I don't really know if they were really like that to me, or at least, would do that exact thing in real life. An encounter with my ex in dreams, for example, was a proof that I had something unsolved, regret or something. Some of them appeared out of nowhere, but this one girl, will always be there. Yeah, the girl I always brought up in my posts, it was her. I doubt that she'll read these words, but if she read them, these words will provide insight on my thoughts. I had a lot to share about these dreams, but it could wait, because I am not that good at putting my feelings into words. But they were happily ended.

There was a time when I met her in a mall's dark corner. She wore pretty black dress, and then, she just left.

There was a time when I met her in my college's park. I was about to leave, then she grabbed me, then she said, "I didn't ask you to leave, so stay"

There was this time, when I walked upon my junior high's corridor, she put a gizmo which resembles the scold bridle, but for my body. She thought I was some sideshow.

There was a time when we walked on some flowerfield. They were pretty. She gave me the prettiest she could think of, and she told me that it's called "the Annaean Lily".

And the most hateful of them all, my ex-girl after her saying "go, get back to her. I am sure that you can't even convince her that ou won't treat her badly, just like I was"

I was obsessed, curious, delusional and confused at the same time. I promised myself, that if she asked me about my feelings, I'll tell her the truth. It was long before she did that. I knew her response won't be pretty, but I said what I thought, on condition that she's the one asking. I told lies to other people. I said that it is hopeless for me to be loved by her for the rest of my life. My dream said otherwise; I desired to be with her, and I need her to fill those hollow part inside my soul that she took when we broke up. I hope that the world will be nicer to us, but then again, dreams are dreams. What is real determined by course of tough actions and dire consequences. 

I always loved her, after all this time. I might be obsessed, but love will always be like that. It is maddening.