Intangible Perfection

After all this time, the one who filled my mind is you. I tried to carry on, staying away from you as far as possible, but I can't. It's a sad thing to let go of something that we held onto for a long time. 

This is not a simple task to do. Expressing feelings, being honest and confident, yet being torn inside and out, by the fact that I still cared for someone that I used to date with. I know that better than anyone;clinging into someone from the past will not give you anything worthy. As a matter of fact, It was you who said that we should breakup. I griefed a lot 

Many said that I had to find another special one, so that I'll get over her. But none of them understands; how can I move on when my mind's being nailed unto her ? Deep inside the realm of my subconscious self, I dreamt about a world that is more perfect than reality where we were together. Her persona inside is nothing like her real person: distant, unemotional and cold. Deep within all those confusion, I realized that after all this time, I fell in love with the person existing inside my inner world. 

I don't even know how to cope with her existence after all these 2 years apart. We had a contact, She replied, I intended them to be routine, and she'd reply me with "fine", "okay", or no reply at all. I was sad at first, but again, I thought "I was far from her for two years. Even it'd cost me the rest of my life, months, years, I'd be fine. I was fine being ignored, but that is a risk I'm willing to take. Lack of affirmation and acknowledgement were my daily consumption when we were together;and it was maddening. The only thing keeping me from being insane was the fact that I still love her, despite how bad things between us. Maybe that's wrong, or just a random reason I could come up with. What I'm about to say is the that I love her inner self; the one she repressed so much. I missed those spark.

I always imagined her to be this innocent, or naive girl who's trying to be kind but always got turned down by people. I always put a role play inside my head, that I was this angry outcast magician who worked my ass so hard because my magic school, that she attended as well, expelled me cause I was considered a blasphemer. Her role was this kind magician, the one who's kind to important people, "licking" their boots to reach the top. We had a moment of truth, where I confessed for my own desire to be acknowledged, and she confessed her world was great on the outside, but none of them cared for her effort like I did. The abstract minds will collide one after another. My semi-nihilistic views versus her pseudo-altruistic attitude, it was pretty astonishing to discuss issues with her. I imagined a scenery when I'm about to push the doomsday button, and she's the one who tried to stop me. I still pushed the button, and we held hand like we used to. Truth be told, my  desire to destroy the world was born from being dumped by her. If Hitler were rumoured to be dumped by Jewish Girl, I 'll be the one who wiped out humanity cause I was rejected by some girl cause we had a different belief systems.

For me, being in love, or loving someone is tough. Trying to keep your mind intact, being cautious so that I won't hurt their feelings, and many more things that will cause my head to spin around like a planet orbiting the sun. My friend said that loving someone without being aware of their flaws and bad qualities, were as dumb as reading a contract without taking a note about the terms and agreement. Then again, showering herself with comfort and love won't be enough. We have to foresee the outcome of our future together. I was sure that she will be the best wife I' Could ever have.

I tried so hard to tolerate her existence, and I am sure that I will be fine without her. We walk on our own path, yet here we are. My attempt to contact her, being communicative were on a dead end. I almost gave up, but when I'm about to reach her, she replied kindly, then she won't. I knew that she wanted to be friends, but I was thinking of something else. I want to be with her. I need her. So I tried to be strong. Her inner weakness was her best quality. And still, she tried to push me away, while unintentionally trying to be kind with me. I was wondering if those kind words and motivation were nothing but a lip service. I put those thoughts again, trying to believe in her act and decision. I missed her and telling her that I still had some sort of feelings for her, and the most important thing is, I said that to her. When we meet, I don't wanna make it out of pity or sad reasons. I hope that it is out of her consent, that she really missed interacting with me. 

After all this time, I always loved her. Maybe I was obsessed. But I need to know if there's something about this that she'd like to talk over again, I wish she 

Would try to contact me, and tell me what she thinks.

 I doubt that she'll ever read this blog, cause apparently, her real self doesn't really care about me. I know that she's worrying about many things: but she could at least tell me the truth: 'give me some time', or 'don't get needy', something like that. If the truth will hurt or kill me, I will always try to be ready for them. At least, she appreciated my effort, while I rarely heard or read the truth from her real self.

So if you ever asked me to move on from you, I need to make sure that I already did. I moved on from you in this reality, and now I'm happily in love with my ideal version of you.