A remnant

"Trust nothing in this world, son. For the world will harm you, and destroy you." She said. 

"Even you, mother?", I asked. She frowned and looked back at me.

"You must trust me, for I am your mother!"

"That's contradictory. Everything you said was a paradox, then?" I asked again.

"Only trust yourself, your reason and conscience then", she answered.

 

I had many discussions with my late mother; philosophical, political, and social issues of the day. Well, she was always pointing out the thing about "being a mother, I'm obligated to be right all along. And you, son, can't be better than me. And you won't be better than me. I won't let you, not while I'm alive". Well, for starters, parent can't be right all the time. Their authorities over their children are open for discussion, point. But my mother won't let me "just because I'm your mother". I was always confused all along with human behavior. She was the one who'd embrace me being detached from people, yet she's the one who'd tell me how to respond someone's feeling. Some of her teachings were contradictory, and well..maybe, just maybe, it was all I needed. 

My childhood was quite empty, since she wasn't there all the time. She was a journalist, and she's got to travel anywhere anytime. And most of the time, she'd be home at night while I was sleeping so we rarely met. And when I was in junior high school, she stopped working and focusing more on her family. I got mixed feelings about her early retirement, but I got a mother who'll wait me at home.

There were times when she's mad, disappointed, or proud of me. But the more I realized, that this will not last forever. Diabetes ran in her family, and she wasn't happy about it. It was about 2-3 times we got to bring her to the hospital. Apparently, she was quite happy, since her daily needs were served properly. I realized how screwed her way of thinking was, and all these words came out of her parenting style as well. She won't simply hug me or comfort me by "everything's gonna be okay". She asked me to stay calm, clear and focus. All that, and keeping the balance between my life and others.

"I don't want to visit my friends or relatives in the hospital, cause it will make their death's faster. I was like Yama, the god of death from Hindu Pantheon. Which is why, I didn't even pay any visit. It's a matter of time. And I will only ask god, 'ease his or her pain if it's really the time'. 

 She wasn't really into religion, but she's really into something divine, something grander. She'd tell me stories before she converted into islam, she was Christian. And she'd tell me that true God will always look after her. Whether it's the Devas, Jesus, Allah, it doesn't really matter. She was lonely back then, and god was her only caretaker. And she knew that I possess no belief, no faith in any deity, but all she asked was "it's okay if you don't even believe in god. But please, you are human; and you're bound by the social harmony and balance. Don't impose your belief too much. In the end, it's about the inside that counts".

When her condition's getting worse, I didn't shed any tears. Unlike my brother and sister, I remained as calm as possible. Granted, I may not be the best son she's ever had, but I don't want to be the worst either. I was not hopeless the entire time, but when I saw her for the last time, I knew that she won't even make it. I didn't wish for her to die, of course. But the moment when you realize that you will never see this person again for the rest of your life, despair would seep in. And the only thing that kept me from being desperate was her words. Her teachings, her ethics was the only thing that I can always count on. Now that she passed away, I wonder if those thing matters. She's gone, and now there's nobody will ever understand my thoughts process.

Enggar Sih Marwati, I may not be the best son that you had, but I won't be the worst either. Thanks for being one of the few people that kept me in check. I love you, always.