Stargazer's Story

I spent a lot of time gazing upon the stars. I may not be an astronomer, but I was always wonder how pretty the stars seemed to me. My first stargazing experience dated back to 2013, when I went to some sulfur mining area. My group were after the blue fire emitting from the crater below. But I didn't go down there. I decided to spend a lot of my time gazing upon the stars.

I was about to begin a relationship with someone, but we were not really sure about our feelings. But as we began to date, we realized that we're similar; an admirer of beauty and simplicity. Back then, told me that if she were ever miss somebody, she'll listen to Pink Floyd's "Wish You Were Here". I wasn't paying attention that much, then I listened to that song, the moment I gazed upon the stars. I hoped that she was there with me, so that I could share all these beauty. 

Now, we're not on the same page anymore, but the memory stays the same. When I'm listening to that song, I'll replay all the same thoughts I had back then; I hope those who I deemed to be special is sitting next to me. I even tried to remind her how comforting she could be when we were apart by reminiscing the memories of the song. From that moment, I realized that the people you knew, the people you considered to be important will eventually change and neglectful. But the thing that I'm noticing, no matter how extreme someone's growth will be, there are those who will always remember; there are those who will stay the same. I'm the latter. 

People would think that I didn't even move on, clinging to a non-existent past. I appreciate the moment, the feelings that I had back then, I tried to remind them how she made me feel, that she had the quality I looked for in my significant other. Regret and moaning won't ever bring her back, so I decided to destroy my feelings for her. I was blind to the truth that I am no longer inside her heart. I am nobody to her. Yet, I just couldn't dump all the memories of what I felt. Sometimes I thought it was her who was the source of joy I had. Turned out that it is me who's in the dark, that I'm not aware about my feelings at all.

I would later tell my crush that I'm a fan of stargazing. As we gazed upon the skies, I would then tell her about how beautiful they are, and how grateful I am to be there with someone that I cared about. It was always a sight, gazing upon the Orion, a glimpse of Milky Way. Now,  nobody's here to share that story with me, but the feeling stays the same. One reason that I kept it all along, was so that I won't forget about my feelings. I don't know if someone will ever  appreciate them, but in the meantime, I will keep it to myself.

August 24th, 2019

• (Extreme Sadness all over)